The questions isn't 'if' it happens, it will 'when' it will happen.
We live in a world where the media portrays relationships as a chore, constant struggle and prison.
So is it a coincidence these thoughts lurked deep in my subconscious and I turned every relationship into an energy draining chore?
At any time my relationships were a few words or small actions from blowing up like an atomic bomb on the verge of being detonated.
90% of the time I felt like I was trapped and could explode at any minute and the other 10% I was happy.
Let be clear...this was 100% on ME and no one else. This wasn't from the women I was dating, this from me, my actions and everything that I did.
Now I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and out of respect for those who fight that battle I won’t say I was depressed.
But I will say there have been multiple times where I deeply contemplated ending my life but for whatever reason, I didn’t. Instead, I either laid in bed and slept all day or somehow forced myself out of bed and sedated myself to cover it up.
I had my PhD at bullshitting everyone around me. I hid behind the smile that everyone knew me for and the body that I built.
Sometimes it was real...more times it just masked every ounce of pain in my heart.
I learned how to create the ultimate sedation cocktail to fill the dark black hole…
It was the perfect mixture of women, drugs, food, sex, alcohol, lying, cheating, porn, video games and numbing myself with anything else I could think of.
This cycle of peaks and valleys continued for years until I finally woke up...
A decision I made because something in my body told me I didn't to do it.
Something told me I was lost and I wasn't able to climb out of this alone.
Something told me I couldn't keep going through these phases in my life and make it out alive....I was right.
I down barriers that were shoved so deep into my soul I had no idea they were there.
I learned more about myself in 4 days than the previous 27 years of my life and to this day I still carry around a notebook with some really evil shit that's inside of me.